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"A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28) is resurrected from hell to change humanity for the better, upon sacrificing his soul to hell." (20 words)Protagonist: "A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28)" ---> No need to include age. Otherwise, this is okay.Antagonist: Implied to be all of humanity. Is there is speciRead more
“A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28) is resurrected from hell to change humanity for the better, upon sacrificing his soul to hell.” (20 words)
Protagonist: “A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28)” —> No need to include age. Otherwise, this is okay.
Antagonist: Implied to be all of humanity. Is there is specific character who serves as the main antagonist?
Goal: “to change humanity for the better” —> This is vague. Loglines should describe a specific objective. Think of the climax of the story. What will be accomplished at that point? The logline’s goal should describe that.For example, in “Star Wars”, Luke’s goal may be to defeat the Empire, but his specific objective is to destroy the Death Star.
Inciting incident: ” is resurrected from hell” —> This is okay, but the logline should explicitly describe how this forces him to pursue the goal. Is he given a mission, forced to by the Devil.? The inciting incident should describe the event which absolutely forces the protagonist to pursue his objective goal.For example, in “Star Wars”, Luke is essentially recruited to join the Rebellion by Ben Kenobi, but he is forced to choose to do so when he finds that his family has been killed by Stormtroopers.It’s at this moment when he says,??I want to come with you to Alderaan.?There is nothing here for me now.?I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.?(emphasis mine) —> Where is that moment in this story? The moment which forces the protagonist to choose, and forces them to choose to engage in the main conflict.?I analyze these elements in “Star Wars” more in this thread:?https://loglines.org/answer/re-when-a-pirate-a-princess-and-an-outlander-discover-that-their-crystal-necklaces-have-magical-powers-the-three-women-go-on-an-adventure-that-leads-to-saving-the-world-from-darkness-3/
An example, using elements from this logline:?After the Devil orders him to assassinate a dictator, a resurrected soldier must use his hellish powers to face the dictator’s army and kill him. (25 words)
This may not be how your story goes at all, but I tried to use all of the elements of a logline to give you a framework to use for a revision.?
I hope this helps.
"After being rejected by his daughter (21), a corrupt NYPD officer (47) decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him." (38 words) Protagonist: " corrupt NYPD officer (47)" ---> As mentioned bRead more
“After being rejected by his daughter (21), a corrupt NYPD officer (47) decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him.” (38 words)
Protagonist: ” corrupt NYPD officer (47)” —> As mentioned before, there is no need to include an age. If his age has something to do with the story, imply it with an adjective. (ex: a veteran detective). Otherwise, this is okay.
Antagonist: Seems to be implied that? it would be the criminals he’s going undercover with. Also okay.
Goal: “decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him.” —> A logline should not describe two goals. It should describe the?objective. This logline is categorized as ‘Action’. The relationship with the daughter does not seem to fall in line with an objective which would lead to action.
For example, take a look at “Die Hard”(1988). McClane’s?objective?goal is to defeat the terrorists. As a result, he learns the lesson he needs in order to fulfill his?subjective goal by mending his relationship with his estranged wife. As I mentioned before, a logline should only?explicitly describe the?objective goal. The subjective plotline can be implied, but it should not be the focus(this is one of the reasons the logline is so long.)
Inciting incident: “After being rejected by his daughter (21)”? —> Again, no need to include age. Above I’ve discussed that the logline seems to be focusing on the incorrect goal, which also means this inciting incident does not properly reflect the event which forces the protagonist to pursue his objective goal.
Which leads to the ‘Climax’: From this logline, I can infer that an?inevitable outcome based on the goal is that the protagonist either kills/arrests the bad guy, or is defeated himself. Working backward, what is the event which forces him to pursue this specific goal?
To use “Die Hard” again as an example:
Inciting incident: when the terrorists take his wife and her coworkers hostage.
Goal: To defeat free the hostages by defeating the terrorists.
>Climax: terrorists are defeated, hostages saved.
From that inciting incident, the final showdown between McClane and Gruber is an?inevtiable outcome. They share a causal relationship.
To make up an example using elements from your logline:?After his informant tells him about a massive arms deal, a corrupt cop must use the opportunity to go undercover with a street gang to arrest the city’s kingpin. (29 words)
I suggest considering these elements for a revision. I also suggest reviewing other members’ loglines, the feedback they receive, and also the formula tab at the top of the webpage.
There are multiple logline versions in this thread, and they share some of the same problems, so I will focus on the original post. I recommend reading the formula tab at the top of the page and reading through other members' loglines and the feedback they receive to better understand logline formatRead more
There are multiple logline versions in this thread, and they share some of the same problems, so I will focus on the original post.
I recommend reading the formula tab at the top of the page and reading through other members’ loglines and the feedback they receive to better understand logline format and elements.
Logline: “Just when she starts fitting in at her new high school, 17 year old Maddie?s werewolf father goes on another killing spree, and she has to keep the dark secret from her new school crush.” (35 words)
To start, “Just when she starts fitting in at her new high school” is unnecessary for a logline. Loglines should include minimal background details and should focus on the core of the story.
Protagonist: “17 year old Maddie” —> Loglines shouldn’t use the names of fictional characters unless they are from an established franchise. And describing a character’s age does very little to help with understanding the character.
To use “Taken” as an example: A retired CIA agent. —> This tells a logline reader that 1) he’s retired, 2)He was in the CIA, and to a general audience that means he’s acquired a “particular set of skills”.
Inciting incident: “werewolf father goes on another killing spree” —> This is an okay inciting incident, but the real problem seems to be with the goal.
Example(Taken): After his daughter is kidnapped. —> Boom, a clear event, which forces the protagonist into action.
Goal: “and she has to keep the dark secret from her new school crush” —> Why does this matter? Her father is killing people and she’s worried about someone finding out that he’s a werewolf? This also isn’t a clear objective to accomplish. It’s an indefinite goal which isn’t the type that works for a story. This also doesn’t seem to describe a causal relationship with the inciting incident. If her father’s been a werewolf for however long, why is that she just now starts to try to keep it a secret? In other words, the inciting incident doesn’t?force her to pursue her goal.
Example: he(Mills) must find and rescue his daughter. —> A clear goal formed?because of the inciting incident. With a definite endpoint, a clear objective, and is described visually.
Antagonist: I am unclear about who the antagonist would be from this logline. If her goal is to prevent someone from finding something out, then who is directly opposing her? Why would anyone care?
Example(Taken): the kidnappers.
I recommend considering these elements for a revision.