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Yep, couldn't make head nor tail of this. Imagine you want the dumbest person in the world (me) to understand it, and try again :)
Yep, couldn’t make head nor tail of this. Imagine you want the dumbest person in the world (me) to understand it, and try again 🙂
Good. BUT...we don't know the policeman's flaw, the 'ghost from his past', or his 'wound' - the thing he must overcome within himself to achieve his outward goal. Success in achieving the outward goal - in a good story - always come from the hero realizing his inner 'need'. Yes, loglines are all aboRead more
Good. BUT…we don’t know the policeman’s flaw, the ‘ghost from his past’, or his ‘wound’ – the thing he must overcome within himself to achieve his outward goal.
Success in achieving the outward goal – in a good story – always come from the hero realizing his inner ‘need’.
Yes, loglines are all about the outward goal, which you have – BRILLIANT! You have just one word to tell us his flaw – the adjective to describe your hero – currently a gaping hole begging to be filled with a flaw !
So, why has the sadistic crime lord (I think you can lose the adjective ‘sadistic’ we know he’s sadistic if this is his ultimatum) but what we don’t know is why he has chosen this policeman – there HAS to be a reason.
Is the cop an ex-user or a gambler in his debt ? Maybe he needs to get in recovery? Maybe his REALIZATION that he needs to be in recovery will help him some way to achieve his goal…
Maybe his GA sponsor is ex-mob with connections ?
This is the difficulty of weaving a believable but thrilling story together.
Watch The Town for a complex web of plots and subplots to see how cops and gangs and debts and families are all weaved together to form a thrilling but complex crime story.
So, all that said, I think this is a GREAT idea for a story – but who is the cop? We need to know his flaw, why him ?
Also, the flaw must somehow evoke our empathy.
Maybe personalize exactly who is kidnapped too?
“When a drugs bust goes down a corrupt cop in the pocket of the crimelord must pay $1,000,000 in compensation, but when he doesn’t and his 6 year old daughter is kidnapped for ransom, he faces a dilemma, find $1,000,000 in 24 hours, or kill a rival crime boss to save her.”
Here you have stakes, and a dilemma: much easier to kill than find 1 million bucks, but what about his conscience – can he live with himself ? And what about his daughter. What would you do?
I think you’re onto something here. Kind of story I’d like to write.
Is the screenplay written yet? If not, think about including a few more details in the logline to give it more meat and more heart.
Well, with the help of all the feedback I finally realized something I'd suspected for a long time - it's TWO stories - or rather - the hero has TWO GOALS. So, the hero's new goal is: to find a new recruit for his next 'hit' coming up on Saturday. A clear, achievable, outward goal : to find a new reRead more
Well, with the help of all the feedback I finally realized something I’d suspected for a long time – it’s TWO stories – or rather – the hero has TWO GOALS.
So, the hero’s new goal is: to find a new recruit for his next ‘hit’ coming up on Saturday.
A clear, achievable, outward goal : to find a new recruit.
“An embittered vigilante has to find a new recruit in time for his next kill, but when his wife and daughter uncover his plans he’s forced to choose: stop killing… or lose the ones he loves.”