So is this an origin story for Anubis? I find this very fascinating. Just note that Anubis has the head of a jackal, not a wolf. Also, Djinns exist in the Arabic mythology (1001 Nights etc), which is thousands of years after the mythology of ancient Egypt (Anubis, etc). (Correct me if I'm wrong.) BuRead more
So is this an origin story for Anubis? I find this very fascinating. Just note that Anubis has the head of a jackal, not a wolf.
Also, Djinns exist in the Arabic mythology (1001 Nights etc), which is thousands of years after the mythology of ancient Egypt (Anubis, etc). (Correct me if I’m wrong.)
But these are details that you can easily fix. Just drop the term “Djinn” and use “demon” or “spirit.”
OK, there is a lot of house cleaning you must do here. 1. The Egyptian Unification War is not an event that everybody has in their minds. At first, I was looking for a 20th century event. Hey, I am not a historian, but neither are lots of people. It would be enough to just mention ancient Egypt. 2.Read more
OK, there is a lot of house cleaning you must do here.
1. The Egyptian Unification War is not an event that everybody has in their minds. At first, I was looking for a 20th century event. Hey, I am not a historian, but neither are lots of people. It would be enough to just mention ancient Egypt.
2. What is a hybrid?!? I mean, what is a hybrid in your story?
3. “…must fulfill his destiny…” is too generic to mean anything. In a sense, there is a destiny for everyone of us to fulfill. This sentence is just dead weight.
4. “… when a corpse awakens…” is also inadequate. Whose corpse is it? Is it a king’s mummy? And why is this the inciting incident? What relation does the protagonist have with the dead person?
5. “… he must discover the human soul…” again means nothing specific. Each person has a soul, don’t we agree in this? Which human soul must he discover?
6. “… to become Anubis.” By the end of this logline, I don’t care what the protagonist’s goal is, because I haven’t engaged at all.
(By the way, it took me 3?4 reads to understand it’s supposed to mean “the good of the dead [COMMA] Anubis” and not “the good of the [dead Anubis].” Punctuation matters. It’s better if you write it “Anubis, the God of the Dead.”
In general, this logline is a patchwork of different parts that don’t make much sense. Find the organic relationship between them and let us hear the story in a few words.
It sounds like a juicy sci-fi comedy. Well done! Do consider the previous comments for fixing the story, but I love the "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy" or "Space Quest" feel.
It sounds like a juicy sci-fi comedy. Well done! Do consider the previous comments for fixing the story, but I love the “Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” or “Space Quest” feel.
After being cast out from a pack of wolves, an hybrid child is educated by a Djinn? to become the Egyptian god of the Dead Anubis.
giannisggeorgiou
So is this an origin story for Anubis? I find this very fascinating. Just note that Anubis has the head of a jackal, not a wolf. Also, Djinns exist in the Arabic mythology (1001 Nights etc), which is thousands of years after the mythology of ancient Egypt (Anubis, etc). (Correct me if I'm wrong.) BuRead more
So is this an origin story for Anubis? I find this very fascinating. Just note that Anubis has the head of a jackal, not a wolf.
Also, Djinns exist in the Arabic mythology (1001 Nights etc), which is thousands of years after the mythology of ancient Egypt (Anubis, etc). (Correct me if I’m wrong.)
But these are details that you can easily fix. Just drop the term “Djinn” and use “demon” or “spirit.”
See lessDuring the Egyptian Unification War, a hybrid must fulfill his destiny; but when a corpse awakes, he must discover the human soul to become the god of the dead Anubis.
giannisggeorgiou
OK, there is a lot of house cleaning you must do here. 1. The Egyptian Unification War is not an event that everybody has in their minds. At first, I was looking for a 20th century event. Hey, I am not a historian, but neither are lots of people. It would be enough to just mention ancient Egypt. 2.Read more
OK, there is a lot of house cleaning you must do here.
1. The Egyptian Unification War is not an event that everybody has in their minds. At first, I was looking for a 20th century event. Hey, I am not a historian, but neither are lots of people. It would be enough to just mention ancient Egypt.
2. What is a hybrid?!? I mean, what is a hybrid in your story?
3. “…must fulfill his destiny…” is too generic to mean anything. In a sense, there is a destiny for everyone of us to fulfill. This sentence is just dead weight.
4. “… when a corpse awakens…” is also inadequate. Whose corpse is it? Is it a king’s mummy? And why is this the inciting incident? What relation does the protagonist have with the dead person?
5. “… he must discover the human soul…” again means nothing specific. Each person has a soul, don’t we agree in this? Which human soul must he discover?
6. “… to become Anubis.” By the end of this logline, I don’t care what the protagonist’s goal is, because I haven’t engaged at all.
(By the way, it took me 3?4 reads to understand it’s supposed to mean “the good of the dead [COMMA] Anubis” and not “the good of the [dead Anubis].” Punctuation matters. It’s better if you write it “Anubis, the God of the Dead.”
In general, this logline is a patchwork of different parts that don’t make much sense. Find the organic relationship between them and let us hear the story in a few words.
See lessA na?ve teenager takes a job as an interstellar mailman, to move to a paradise planet. On the job, he gets chased by foreign agents and assassins and discovers his paradise isn’t as good as it sounds
giannisggeorgiou
It sounds like a juicy sci-fi comedy. Well done! Do consider the previous comments for fixing the story, but I love the "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy" or "Space Quest" feel.
It sounds like a juicy sci-fi comedy. Well done! Do consider the previous comments for fixing the story, but I love the “Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” or “Space Quest” feel.
See less