I prefer this version as it attempts to answer why he attends the self-help groups. Although you could have posted the second version as a comment here 😉. Thinking out loud… “In a male-dominated town” can be replaced with e.g., ”Set in an 80’s good old boy town, …”. “a frustrated editor” suggestionRead more
I prefer this version as it attempts to answer why he attends the self-help groups. Although you could have posted the second version as a comment here 😉.
Thinking out loud… “In a male-dominated town” can be replaced with e.g., ”Set in an 80’s good old boy town, …”. “a frustrated editor” suggestion “a closeted editor”. “secretly attends self-help groups for men” coming from a small town myself, a single town folk will make it their business to know everyone else’s. In saying this, I’m not sure how secretive your protag actions can be especially in a group setting. “to prepare himself against them” is a poignant statement – very powerful! “after the death of a gay dancer” without your synopsis, this will appear to come from left field to the reader – suggest a logline rearrangement.
Example: Wordy, hope you get the idea. “Set in an 80’s good old boy town with no justice for the recent death of a gay dancer, a closeted editor attends men’s self-help groups to prepare for the intolerance of his coming out declaration”
Hope you find this constructive; this is a solid premise. Take care.
Dig it! Consider the following to strengthen your logline: 1. Anything more to these delinquents? They may just be a motley crew of felonious youths with nothing in common except being forced to this camp – and survive. Any elaborations may help to provide an ironic play on words for your premise. 2Read more
Dig it!
Consider the following to strengthen your logline: 1. Anything more to these delinquents? They may just be a motley crew of felonious youths with nothing in common except being forced to this camp – and survive. Any elaborations may help to provide an ironic play on words for your premise. 2. What’s this sadistic cult’s MO – what are they known for? I read once a boot camp that had “fight nights”. 3. A camp destination/location is key for reader orientation. 4. Most camps have a set timeframe, maybe you can use this as your ticking clock devise e.g., “… must survive a three day …” just food for thought.
This is what I can see so far: “A group of delinquents must survive a behavioral boot camp ran by a sadistic cult”
This appears to be two separate events: 1. “When children discover a catastrophic battlefield in every human brain” 2. “Buddha teams up with each prophet” Who are these children - prophets? If so, I would state to link these two events. Example: “When the child prophets of Buddha discover a catastroRead more
This appears to be two separate events: 1. “When children discover a catastrophic battlefield in every human brain” 2. “Buddha teams up with each prophet”
Who are these children – prophets? If so, I would state to link these two events.
Example: “When the child prophets of Buddha discover a catastrophic battlefield in every human brain, Buddha teams up to liberate God from an age-old hypocritical mindset to engender recession and a stress-free psychic existence”
Suggestion: “every human brain” sounds like a vast wasteland and hard to envision what this would look like on screen, maybe you can start by changing one influential person to bring this premise closer to home?
Also, I didn’t mention “devil imprisoned God for ages” to keep the reader from saying “why now” after all these ages? I wanted the impression of these children’s discovery as a “now” concept.
In a male-dominated town, a frustrated editor secretly attends self-help groups for men to prepare himself against them after the death of a gay dancer.
Odie
I prefer this version as it attempts to answer why he attends the self-help groups. Although you could have posted the second version as a comment here 😉. Thinking out loud… “In a male-dominated town” can be replaced with e.g., ”Set in an 80’s good old boy town, …”. “a frustrated editor” suggestionRead more
I prefer this version as it attempts to answer why he attends the self-help groups. Although you could have posted the second version as a comment here 😉.
Thinking out loud…
“In a male-dominated town” can be replaced with e.g., ”Set in an 80’s good old boy town, …”.
“a frustrated editor” suggestion “a closeted editor”.
“secretly attends self-help groups for men” coming from a small town myself, a single town folk will make it their business to know everyone else’s. In saying this, I’m not sure how secretive your protag actions can be especially in a group setting.
“to prepare himself against them” is a poignant statement – very powerful!
“after the death of a gay dancer” without your synopsis, this will appear to come from left field to the reader – suggest a logline rearrangement.
Example: Wordy, hope you get the idea.
“Set in an 80’s good old boy town with no justice for the recent death of a gay dancer, a closeted editor attends men’s self-help groups to prepare for the intolerance of his coming out declaration”
Hope you find this constructive; this is a solid premise.
See lessTake care.
Five delinquents must find a way to survive when they are sent to a behavioural camp run by a sadistic cult.
Odie
Dig it! Consider the following to strengthen your logline: 1. Anything more to these delinquents? They may just be a motley crew of felonious youths with nothing in common except being forced to this camp – and survive. Any elaborations may help to provide an ironic play on words for your premise. 2Read more
Dig it!
Consider the following to strengthen your logline:
1. Anything more to these delinquents? They may just be a motley crew of felonious youths with nothing in common except being forced to this camp – and survive. Any elaborations may help to provide an ironic play on words for your premise.
2. What’s this sadistic cult’s MO – what are they known for? I read once a boot camp that had “fight nights”.
3. A camp destination/location is key for reader orientation.
4. Most camps have a set timeframe, maybe you can use this as your ticking clock devise e.g., “… must survive a three day …” just food for thought.
This is what I can see so far:
“A group of delinquents must survive a behavioral boot camp ran by a sadistic cult”
Hope you found this constructive, keep going!
See lessWhen children discover a catastrophic battlefield in every human brain where the devil imprisoned God for ages, Buddha teams up with each prophet to liberate God from an age-old hypocritical mindset to engender recession and a stress-free psychic existence.
Odie
This appears to be two separate events: 1. “When children discover a catastrophic battlefield in every human brain” 2. “Buddha teams up with each prophet” Who are these children - prophets? If so, I would state to link these two events. Example: “When the child prophets of Buddha discover a catastroRead more
This appears to be two separate events:
1. “When children discover a catastrophic battlefield in every human brain”
2. “Buddha teams up with each prophet”
Who are these children – prophets? If so, I would state to link these two events.
Example:
“When the child prophets of Buddha discover a catastrophic battlefield in every human brain, Buddha teams up to liberate God from an age-old hypocritical mindset to engender recession and a stress-free psychic existence”
Suggestion: “every human brain” sounds like a vast wasteland and hard to envision what this would look like on screen, maybe you can start by changing one influential person to bring this premise closer to home?
Also, I didn’t mention “devil imprisoned God for ages” to keep the reader from saying “why now” after all these ages? I wanted the impression of these children’s discovery as a “now” concept.
Take care.
See less