If you want the conflict to be in the band leader's young life that he's looking back at, I would consider writing it without suggesting the older guy is looking back at his life. Whilst it helps tell a story, the bulk of the plot is happening in the past. Alternatively frame it like "A famous bandRead more
If you want the conflict to be in the band leader’s young life that he’s looking back at, I would consider writing it without suggesting the older guy is looking back at his life. Whilst it helps tell a story, the bulk of the plot is happening in the past. Alternatively frame it like “A famous band leader reflects on his career where he blah blah blah blah”. This way, you’re almost using the present tense as “world building” – it’s needed to understand something about the plot.
Does the Dean's daughter not get a say? It hasn't been established that she falls for him too, so, in a post #MeToo era, I feel like it needs to be 100% clear that it's mutual right from the start. I like the idea, I just feel like there needs to be more to it to make it stand out from the other simRead more
Does the Dean’s daughter not get a say? It hasn’t been established that she falls for him too, so, in a post #MeToo era, I feel like it needs to be 100% clear that it’s mutual right from the start.
I like the idea, I just feel like there needs to be more to it to make it stand out from the other similar 80s/80s style rom-coms.
Maybe his goal could be to get accepted into an elite social club, not dissimilar to him joining a fraternity but it’s all posh stuff that they make him do. The preppy ex could be on the selection committee. The guy gets accepted in the end, but since films like this always need a positive message, once he’s accepted he finds out the uptight Dean did something similar to win over his wife’s father back in the day. The Dean then reconnects with his youth, telling this kid to be himself. The simple fact he was prepared to go to such lengths, and the same lengths he went to himself, shows just how much he cares about his daughter.
This is really hard to follow I'm afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too. Pet peeve: "young man" - your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to yRead more
This is really hard to follow I’m afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too.
Pet peeve: “young man” – your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to you was asked to describe you in two words, and all they had to say was “young man” or “young woman”… surely you deserve a little more consideration. Well, so does your hero.
So this “young man” finds a magic sword that just happens to give him the power to see his curse AND show him the way to a lost city where he’ll be healed? The only thing standing in his way is the guy who ran the town that he’s left but I don’t know why. I feel like there needs to be more conflict. It’s too easy! We need to know why the Supreme Leader is after this guy. “Deal with” is incredibly vague too. Loglines thrive on specificity, so tell us, specifically, what the conflict is and why.
“deal with the guilt of past actions” – I’d probably cut this to be honest. You could add “repentant” as his characteristic and that would probably do the trick. What are his past sins though?
My thoughts are that the plot should actually start with the quest for the magic sword that the Supreme Leader is also after. Then there’s immediate conflict from the start and more plot to sustain the 90mins+ runtime. I would consider saying “guide him on a perilous journey” or something to at least suggest there are other threats in this fantasy world.
Thematically and from a plot perspective, why a sword? It’s not stated that any fighting is taking place so I’m wondering why a weapon.
Logline wise, at 59 words it’s too long, even for a Fantasy. I would try and focus on the conflict and the structure of your plot. What needs to happen, when, and who or what is standing in their way (and why in the case of the Supreme Leader). Once you feel you have the bare elements, try framing the logline around them. Focus on the external too. Leave stuff like “as well as the guilt of his past actions” on the cutting room floor because, in terms of what’s happening on screen, it’s meaningless as it’s happening inside the character’s head.
I realise I’ve waffled a bit here so I hope this helps.
A famous and renown band leader can’t play and tour anymore and looks back at when it all started in his childhood
Mike Pedley
If you want the conflict to be in the band leader's young life that he's looking back at, I would consider writing it without suggesting the older guy is looking back at his life. Whilst it helps tell a story, the bulk of the plot is happening in the past. Alternatively frame it like "A famous bandRead more
If you want the conflict to be in the band leader’s young life that he’s looking back at, I would consider writing it without suggesting the older guy is looking back at his life. Whilst it helps tell a story, the bulk of the plot is happening in the past. Alternatively frame it like “A famous band leader reflects on his career where he blah blah blah blah”. This way, you’re almost using the present tense as “world building” – it’s needed to understand something about the plot.
Hope this helps.
See lessTo win the affections of the dean’s daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to get accepted into a snooty club, in order to prove his worth.
Mike Pedley
Does the Dean's daughter not get a say? It hasn't been established that she falls for him too, so, in a post #MeToo era, I feel like it needs to be 100% clear that it's mutual right from the start. I like the idea, I just feel like there needs to be more to it to make it stand out from the other simRead more
Does the Dean’s daughter not get a say? It hasn’t been established that she falls for him too, so, in a post #MeToo era, I feel like it needs to be 100% clear that it’s mutual right from the start.
I like the idea, I just feel like there needs to be more to it to make it stand out from the other similar 80s/80s style rom-coms.
Maybe his goal could be to get accepted into an elite social club, not dissimilar to him joining a fraternity but it’s all posh stuff that they make him do. The preppy ex could be on the selection committee. The guy gets accepted in the end, but since films like this always need a positive message, once he’s accepted he finds out the uptight Dean did something similar to win over his wife’s father back in the day. The Dean then reconnects with his youth, telling this kid to be himself. The simple fact he was prepared to go to such lengths, and the same lengths he went to himself, shows just how much he cares about his daughter.
See lessWhen a young man discovers a magic sword that gives him the power to see the curse that he has due to his sins and that will guide him to the lost city where he will be healed, he will have to deal with the supreme leader of his former city as well as the guilt of past actions.
Mike Pedley
This is really hard to follow I'm afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too. Pet peeve: "young man" - your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to yRead more
This is really hard to follow I’m afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too.
Pet peeve: “young man” – your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to you was asked to describe you in two words, and all they had to say was “young man” or “young woman”… surely you deserve a little more consideration. Well, so does your hero.
So this “young man” finds a magic sword that just happens to give him the power to see his curse AND show him the way to a lost city where he’ll be healed? The only thing standing in his way is the guy who ran the town that he’s left but I don’t know why. I feel like there needs to be more conflict. It’s too easy! We need to know why the Supreme Leader is after this guy. “Deal with” is incredibly vague too. Loglines thrive on specificity, so tell us, specifically, what the conflict is and why.
“deal with the guilt of past actions” – I’d probably cut this to be honest. You could add “repentant” as his characteristic and that would probably do the trick. What are his past sins though?
My thoughts are that the plot should actually start with the quest for the magic sword that the Supreme Leader is also after. Then there’s immediate conflict from the start and more plot to sustain the 90mins+ runtime. I would consider saying “guide him on a perilous journey” or something to at least suggest there are other threats in this fantasy world.
Thematically and from a plot perspective, why a sword? It’s not stated that any fighting is taking place so I’m wondering why a weapon.
Logline wise, at 59 words it’s too long, even for a Fantasy. I would try and focus on the conflict and the structure of your plot. What needs to happen, when, and who or what is standing in their way (and why in the case of the Supreme Leader). Once you feel you have the bare elements, try framing the logline around them. Focus on the external too. Leave stuff like “as well as the guilt of his past actions” on the cutting room floor because, in terms of what’s happening on screen, it’s meaningless as it’s happening inside the character’s head.
I realise I’ve waffled a bit here so I hope this helps.
See less