This is not a logline. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes, in a single sentence 20-30 words. No vague notions. Be specific about who the characters are and what they want/need to do.
This is not a logline. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes, in a single sentence 20-30 words. No vague notions. Be specific about who the characters are and what they want/need to do.
You're still being vague about what happens, forcing questions regarding what the story's actually about instead of generating interest in reading more of the story. What does it actually mean to keep her life on the level? What does dad actually do to drive a wedge? See how these phrases don't realRead more
You’re still being vague about what happens, forcing questions regarding what the story’s actually about instead of generating interest in reading more of the story. What does it actually mean to keep her life on the level? What does dad actually do to drive a wedge? See how these phrases don’t really tell us anything about the story?
There’s also no point to him being a con artist if that information doesn’t factor into the story somehow, and given only these details, it doesn’t. If it matters, make it clear why, and if it doesn’t, don’t mention it. And someone TRYING to do something is also very uninteresting; I have to quote Yoda here: “Do or do not…there is no try.”
Also it’s still too many words. Keep it closer to 25.
These are all good points here. I'm not sure if the lack of clarity is due to a lack of specificity in your logline attempts or a lack of clear objectives and motivations in the script itself...we may not know without learning more about the story. As for this newest logline, it's rather long -- 34Read more
These are all good points here. I’m not sure if the lack of clarity is due to a lack of specificity in your logline attempts or a lack of clear objectives and motivations in the script itself…we may not know without learning more about the story.
As for this newest logline, it’s rather long — 34 words — and has a big pause in the middle with the comma. And, because I have to live up to my moniker: “targeted”. Also you’re using “that” in reference to a person instead of “who” — “the ex-con father WHO blames her for…”
Maybe what you need is something like this: “A teenager tries to keep her con-artist father’s past a secret from her boyfriend?s family when dear old dad is unexpectedly released from prison.”
In 25 words you have a protagonist and her motivation, the antagonist and his nature, the conflict, the stakes, and even a sense of the tone the story will take, if it’s as relatively light-hearted as this sounds. All the additional details in your other loglines are extraneous at this point, and are things you can reveal in the script itself, which people should be interested in reading after a solid logline.
Many believe the most dreaded words in a hospital are ‘Code Blue, they are wrong. Although serious, they are not even close to those that strike fear in the most hardened hospital administrator: “We are about to exceed ‘Surge Capacity'”.
mrliteral
This is not a logline. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes, in a single sentence 20-30 words. No vague notions. Be specific about who the characters are and what they want/need to do.
This is not a logline. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes, in a single sentence 20-30 words. No vague notions. Be specific about who the characters are and what they want/need to do.
See lessA teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.
mrliteral
You're still being vague about what happens, forcing questions regarding what the story's actually about instead of generating interest in reading more of the story. What does it actually mean to keep her life on the level? What does dad actually do to drive a wedge? See how these phrases don't realRead more
You’re still being vague about what happens, forcing questions regarding what the story’s actually about instead of generating interest in reading more of the story. What does it actually mean to keep her life on the level? What does dad actually do to drive a wedge? See how these phrases don’t really tell us anything about the story?
There’s also no point to him being a con artist if that information doesn’t factor into the story somehow, and given only these details, it doesn’t. If it matters, make it clear why, and if it doesn’t, don’t mention it. And someone TRYING to do something is also very uninteresting; I have to quote Yoda here: “Do or do not…there is no try.”
Also it’s still too many words. Keep it closer to 25.
See lessA teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.
mrliteral
These are all good points here. I'm not sure if the lack of clarity is due to a lack of specificity in your logline attempts or a lack of clear objectives and motivations in the script itself...we may not know without learning more about the story. As for this newest logline, it's rather long -- 34Read more
These are all good points here. I’m not sure if the lack of clarity is due to a lack of specificity in your logline attempts or a lack of clear objectives and motivations in the script itself…we may not know without learning more about the story.
As for this newest logline, it’s rather long — 34 words — and has a big pause in the middle with the comma. And, because I have to live up to my moniker: “targeted”. Also you’re using “that” in reference to a person instead of “who” — “the ex-con father WHO blames her for…”
Maybe what you need is something like this: “A teenager tries to keep her con-artist father’s past a secret from her boyfriend?s family when dear old dad is unexpectedly released from prison.”
In 25 words you have a protagonist and her motivation, the antagonist and his nature, the conflict, the stakes, and even a sense of the tone the story will take, if it’s as relatively light-hearted as this sounds. All the additional details in your other loglines are extraneous at this point, and are things you can reveal in the script itself, which people should be interested in reading after a solid logline.
See less