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A career driven wife unwittingly convinces her husband to join her in a tiny trailer cross country adventure, with the secret hopes of avoiding her disastrous financial missteps and saving their delicate marriage.
First of all, get rid of some adjectives: unwittingly, secret, disastrous, delicate... This is just too much. Some don't make sense, either. Next, it seems like the story's main action is 'convincing'. Or is the story what happens AFTER this? If the film is about the cross country adventure (which IRead more
First of all, get rid of some adjectives: unwittingly, secret, disastrous, delicate… This is just too much. Some don’t make sense, either.
See lessNext, it seems like the story’s main action is ‘convincing’. Or is the story what happens AFTER this?
If the film is about the cross country adventure (which I hope it is), we need to get a better feel for what will be the main obstacle/conflict there, and what it is that they need to achieve. Perhaps they must work together as a team to survive the adventure, after something happens that raises the stakes to life-death level.
When a stoner hospital worker is blamed for delivering a meal to the wrong patient—killing him; she must prove that it was not her mistake.
In this type of story, typically there is a secondary goal of bringing the real culprit to justice. Because it's a movie, an accident is not really interesting. There may have been a plot behind the killing of this particular patient?
In this type of story, typically there is a secondary goal of bringing the real culprit to justice. Because it’s a movie, an accident is not really interesting. There may have been a plot behind the killing of this particular patient?
See lessAfter his wealthy wife dies, a reclusive and callous high school teacher wants to honour her dream of becoming a concert pianist.
The story has a decent EVENT ('the death of his wife'), and we understand that this can motivate change in a character's life, as well as inspire them to act. The character is interesting, in that he is reclusive and callous (mind the capitalisation error). However, 'decides' is not an exciting actiRead more
The story has a decent EVENT (‘the death of his wife’), and we understand that this can motivate change in a character’s life, as well as inspire them to act.
The character is interesting, in that he is reclusive and callous (mind the capitalisation error).
However, ‘decides’ is not an exciting action for a screen story. We need to be able to visualise the action from the logline.
‘To become a concert pianist’ doesn’t excite me either. This does not promise a movie that is worth watching.
You may have the beginning and the end to a story, but the middle is what you need to entertain an audience with. There needs to be struggle, determination, and incredible odds. We need to be able to anticipate tension, and be compelled to take the POV of the character.
At this point, the logline is not inspiring this (yet).
See less