1. Posted: August 9, 2019In:

    A 15 year old child prodigy who was born with amazing powers and abilities must unwittingly use those powers to save the city of Boston from a psychotic superpowered cult leader with the help of his equally reluctant and estranged grandfather…a former criminal genius supervillain.

    Karel Segers Samurai

    Hey Mike, I have put the logline in the right place, and concatenated the separate sentences into one. "Unwittingly" doesn't work for me: the hero must be determined and conscious of the action(s) they take in most of the film (i.e. Act 2). Have you tried our logline generator? Go to: https://loglinRead more

    Hey Mike,

    I have put the logline in the right place, and concatenated the separate sentences into one.

    “Unwittingly” doesn’t work for me: the hero must be determined and conscious of the action(s) they take in most of the film (i.e. Act 2).

    Have you tried our logline generator? Go to: https://loglines.org/generate and see what result you get, then post it in a comment below!

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  2. Posted: June 15, 2019In:

    When a controversial podcast host believes an invasion is coming on Halloween, his friends bring him to a party to get his mind off of the ridiculous theories; but when one of the host’s friends reads a spell from an ancient book that unleashes several deities, the host and his friends must survive the night to break the spell.

    Karel Segers Samurai

    I like it! "When ... believes": I'd like to know specifically what makes him believe this. Who is the messenger? Is there a messenger? As I'm a sucker for a good Inciting Incident/Call To Adventure, I want to see that moment on the screen - and I want it to be powerful. "Believe" isn't strong enoughRead more

    I like it!

    “When … believes”: I’d like to know specifically what makes him believe this. Who is the messenger? Is there a messenger? As I’m a sucker for a good Inciting Incident/Call To Adventure, I want to see that moment on the screen – and I want it to be powerful. “Believe” isn’t strong enough as an Event.

    I am assuming that the host is the Hero. Other than being ‘controversial’, I’d like to know if he has a weakness/flaw that he needs to overcome, or that turns out to be a strength. Is he superstitious?

    Finally – ‘spell’ stories are hard to tell/sell because the audience cannot reasonably foresee how the spell can be lifted. Often the spell is lifted when the main character changes their behaviour for the better, has learned something etc. In horror this may be slightly different, as the spell/antagonist often lives on beyond the movie…

    All that said, I think it’s a fun setup with a plot promise we can easily visualise.

    I hope this helps.

    BTW – Welcome to Logline It, and thank you for posting & reviewing! 🙂

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  3. Posted: June 8, 2019In:

    A guilty college student is leveraged by an abuser from his past, who is close with his crush, to choose between her safety or Not being Exposed.

    Karel Segers Samurai

    I believe the first job to improve the logline is to be specific about what the student is guilty of. This adds to the stakes, I would believe. Next, find a more visual/concrete action. I don't think loglines about just a choice are very strong. Once the choice is made, the action starts, right? I aRead more

    I believe the first job to improve the logline is to be specific about what the student is guilty of. This adds to the stakes, I would believe.

    Next, find a more visual/concrete action. I don’t think loglines about just a choice are very strong. Once the choice is made, the action starts, right?

    I also think you can just say ‘student’. I don’t see at first sight what the ‘transfer’ adds in terms of dramatic value.

    “When a past abuser blackmails him, a reserved student must protect his crush, while keeping the secret about [whatever he is guilty of].”

    I know it doesn’t sound quite selling yet, but in terms of structure and clarity I believe it is an improvement.

    What do you think?

    On a separate note, I noticed that you have posted quite a few more loglines than reviews. ?The spirit of Logline It is that everyone reviews at least 2 other loglines for each logline posted. This doesn’t have to be an in-depth expert review. Most writers are happy if you just give us your honest opinion and what you believe the chances of success are for the type of story. Thank you.

    Thank you for having a look at the site again, and reviewing the work of your fellow writers.

    Cheers,

    Karel

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