When his daughter is kidnapped, a retired cavalry soldier partners with a Cheyenne Indian to track down the man who took her. ----- I changed the serial killer part because you describe him as a killer but then you say he kidnapped the daughter, killing and kidnapping are two different things, I wouRead more
When his daughter is kidnapped, a retired cavalry soldier partners with a Cheyenne Indian to track down the man who took her. —– I changed the serial killer part because you describe him as a killer but then you say he kidnapped the daughter, killing and kidnapping are two different things, I would leave the serial killer part to the actual story and not in the logline.
I can't tell what the story is about from reading the logline. A: Young drug user: This is the clearest part of the logline. B: Wanted to change his life: So we have some backstory, at some point in the past the, lead character, wanted to change his life. But what does he want to do now? What is hisRead more
I can’t tell what the story is about from reading the logline.
A: Young drug user: This is the clearest part of the logline.
B: Wanted to change his life: So we have some backstory, at some point in the past the, lead character, wanted to change his life. But what does he want to do now? What is his goal today?
C: On the verge, he discovered his destiny: This sounds like the inciting incident. That means the story is what happens after he discovers his destiny. Your logline seems to be all backstory and no forward story. Also, we don’t know from the logline what his destiny is. (So we, the reader, will have to guess)
Example: —– When he discovers his destiny is to become a race car driver, a young drug user, (Must do this if he is to succeed) —– Since I have no idea what the lead character’s destiny is from reading your logline, I had to take a guess.
Since you seem to have a story that you are compelled by, it is just a matter of adding a little clarity to the logline so we the reader can get a glimpse of the story that is in your vision.
A retired cavalry soldier is forced to partner with a Cheyenne Indian to track down a serial killer who has kidnaped his daughter.
Richiev
When his daughter is kidnapped, a retired cavalry soldier partners with a Cheyenne Indian to track down the man who took her. ----- I changed the serial killer part because you describe him as a killer but then you say he kidnapped the daughter, killing and kidnapping are two different things, I wouRead more
When his daughter is kidnapped, a retired cavalry soldier partners with a Cheyenne Indian to track down the man who took her.
See less—–
I changed the serial killer part because you describe him as a killer but then you say he kidnapped the daughter, killing and kidnapping are two different things, I would leave the serial killer part to the actual story and not in the logline.
Mystical demi-gods cruelly rule the land until a young child with supernatural powers defeats them one by one.
Richiev
I take it from reading the logline that the lead character is a young child. How young, 3 or 4 years old? Just curious.
I take it from reading the logline that the lead character is a young child.
See lessHow young, 3 or 4 years old? Just curious.
WHEN A YOUNG DRUG USER, WHO WANTED TO CHANGE HIS LIFE, BUT ON THE VERGE HE DISCOVERED HIS DESTINY
Richiev
I can't tell what the story is about from reading the logline. A: Young drug user: This is the clearest part of the logline. B: Wanted to change his life: So we have some backstory, at some point in the past the, lead character, wanted to change his life. But what does he want to do now? What is hisRead more
I can’t tell what the story is about from reading the logline.
A: Young drug user: This is the clearest part of the logline.
B: Wanted to change his life: So we have some backstory, at some point in the past the, lead character, wanted to change his life. But what does he want to do now? What is his goal today?
C: On the verge, he discovered his destiny: This sounds like the inciting incident. That means the story is what happens after he discovers his destiny. Your logline seems to be all backstory and no forward story. Also, we don’t know from the logline what his destiny is. (So we, the reader, will have to guess)
Example:
—–
When he discovers his destiny is to become a race car driver, a young drug user, (Must do this if he is to succeed)
—–
Since I have no idea what the lead character’s destiny is from reading your logline, I had to take a guess.
Since you seem to have a story that you are compelled by, it is just a matter of adding a little clarity to the logline so we the reader can get a glimpse of the story that is in your vision.
See less