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Stranded in enemy space, when a tyrannical federation’s mothership seizes his father’s company car, a fickle teen must retrieve it and return home on Earth before his father starts his new job.
I like the premise, it seems to suggest a wacky comedy/adventure, like Bill and Ted or something like that. So my feedback is a bit different- I think what you are probably trying to do is mashing up a mundane task (teenager trying to recover dad's car) with a big interstellar space conflict. So hisRead more
I like the premise, it seems to suggest a wacky comedy/adventure, like Bill and Ted or something like that. So my feedback is a bit different-
I think what you are probably trying to do is mashing up a mundane task (teenager trying to recover dad’s car) with a big interstellar space conflict. So his ostensibly mundane task with low stakes ends up becoming something much bigger- saving the galaxy (and then recovering or not recovering the car at the very end.)
So you want to convey that in your logline, while still retaining the comedic aspects and tone. So something like this (but smoother)-
“When his father’s company car is seized by a tyrannical federation?s mothership stranded in enemy space, a fickle teen must team up with a fearsome?alien commander?to not only retrieve the car but also to?prevent?an all-our inter-galactic?war that will destroy Earth.”
See lessWhen an alien satellite causes all of Earth’s transmissions suddenly stop, a retired physicist must find a way to bring them back.
Besides what Nir said, you've only described the first 15-20 pages.
Besides what Nir said, you’ve only described the first 15-20 pages.
See lessEDITED: A bored flight attendant?s life is turned upside down when she is mistaken for the accomplice of one of her passengers, a charming thief on the run from the mob
When a naive flight attendant gets mixed up with one of her passengers, a charming grifter on the run from the mob, she... I like the set up, but we are only getting the set up. Finish the logline and tell us what happens.
When a naive flight attendant gets mixed up with one of her passengers, a charming grifter on the run from the mob, she…
I like the set up, but we are only getting the set up. Finish the logline and tell us what happens.
See less