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An abused teen is suspected of murdering his bully and has 48 hours to prove his innocence before the police find out he blackmailed the bully.
As Nir says, the time frame is too arbitrary. It might take the police hours, days or weeks to trace online photos back to their source. There are too many factors at play. Furthermore, it is not clear whether the blackmailing crime helps or hurts the teenager. In the normal course of events, the peRead more
As Nir says, the time frame is too arbitrary. It might take the police hours, days or weeks to trace online photos back to their source. There are too many factors at play. Furthermore, it is not clear whether the blackmailing crime helps or hurts the teenager. In the normal course of events, the person being blackmailed would be the suspect in the blackmailer’s murder, not the other way around. After all, if you are successfully blackmailing someone, you would want them to continue paying up. Hence, if the teen were found to have been blackmailing the bully, it might make the police less likely to think he was the murderer.
See less‘Off The Grid’ After moving off the grid, bickering newlyweds accidentally kill the creepy neighbors kid and now must work together to escape the families vengeful wrath.
After their car crash kills the neighbors son, newlyweds fight for survival against the fathers lust for vengeance by befriending the red-headed step child.There are too many non-causal events and unclear relationships. How did "their" car crash kill the "neighbor's son"? Who is the "red-headed stepRead more
After their car crash kills the neighbors son, newlyweds fight for survival against the fathers lust for vengeance by befriending the red-headed step child.
There are too many non-causal events and unclear relationships. How did “their” car crash kill the “neighbor’s son”? Who is the “red-headed step son” and how will befriending him calm the “father’s lust for vengeance”?
More importantly though, why should we root for the newlyweds? Do they possess any redeeming qualities to make us prefer that they prevail over their neighbor? As it stands, the audience might prefer to see the grieving father extract his revenge (especially if he could not get the justice he sought from the the state).
See lessA teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.
@deborah_b, admitting complicity to a crime is difficult to do without finding yourself in legal trouble.All in all, I think the premise is good, but if this is to be a "coming of age" story, there are constraints on the timelines. For example, if her father's crimes were "terrible" then he would haRead more
@deborah_b, admitting complicity to a crime is difficult to do without finding yourself in legal trouble.
All in all, I think the premise is good, but if this is to be a “coming of age” story, there are constraints on the timelines. For example, if her father’s crimes were “terrible” then he would have been in jail so long that it is hard to understand how she is still a teenager. Suppose he served 10 years, then she would have been seven or eight when he went to jail. Subtract at least six months from conviction to get the arrest date along with a few months between crime and arrest, and you have a little girl who was not legally or morally accountable. Any secrets her father may have reflect more on him for using a child in his crimes than on any guilt she bears.
Your original logline had the girl’s father still in prison. Despite some of the earlier comments, this gives more possibilities as she might have been 15 when when she helped him and therefore in a position where she could be blackmailed. All the father needs to blackmail her is an accomplice on the outside.
Also, your original logline had a love interest. This has more emotional potential than “everyone she loves”. Who are these other people? After the father’s conviction, the family probably cracked under the strain and her friends abandoned her so love is in short supply. How does her father’s status stand in the way of her relationship? Perhaps her lover or the lover’s family is aghast to learn she is the daughter of a convict serving a long sentence for a “terrible crime”.
There are plenty of stories with high emotional impact here, you just need to turn the premise over in your mind a bit more to find them.
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